Some of the best and worst things about Midwest floods

You’re Getting Older When...

The Warning Signs Of Insanity

How can you tell when it’s going to be a bad day?

The Signs Your Cat is Overweight

What’s the secret of success?

It was a "no frills" airline...

Things you do not want to hear in surgery

The Signs You’re Too Stressed



. Some of the best and worst things about Midwest floods

Pro: You can have a fishing contest from the couch in your living room.

Con: Your couch doesn’t float.

Pro: That trip to the river just got shorter.

Con: Now you can’t get away from it.

Pro: No better time to wash the siding of your house.

Con: Ring around the house.

Pro: Water skiing in the street.

Con: Stop signs and cars that are barely covered.

Pro: Sun tanning on the roof of your house is cool.

Con: Sleeping there sucks.

Pro: What better way to meet your new neighbours.

Con: Their stuff keeps floating into your bedroom.

Pro: Washing dishes just got easier.

Con: All your food is underwater too.

Pro: You can practice your diving skills...

Con: ...until you hit that small awning over your back door.

Pro: You can finally reach those dead branches.

Con: Now you just have to find the tree trimmer.

Pro: You can finally slam dunk.

Con: You have to dive to the basket.


. You’re Getting Older When...

...everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.

...your little black book contains names ending only in M.D. get winded playing chess. sit in a rocking chair and can’t get going.

...your back goes out more than you do.

...a fortune teller offers to read your face.

...your pacemaker makes the garage door go up. sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.


. The Warning Signs Of Insanity

• Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you

   wouldn’t expect tentacles to be growing from.

• You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

• You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends

   you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

• You’re always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire

   to his lawn decorations.

• Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can’t understand you through

   that scuba mask.

• You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you’ve stepped on

   as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

• You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

• You scream "I’ve got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

• You scream "I’ve got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

• You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan’s Island, because they weren’t


• You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they’ll hatch.

• You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the

   middle of your front lawn.

• Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it,

   and you tell him it’s for security reasons.

• You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that

   you’re a stalk.

• You think that exploding wouldn’t be so bad, once you got used to it.

• You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)


. How can you tell when it’s going to be a bad day?

• You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you

don’t have a waterbed.

• You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.

• Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is Frank.

• You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

• Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

• You call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put you on hold.

• Your tax refund cheque bounces.

• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.


. The Signs Your Cat is Overweight

• Confused guests constantly mistake her for a beanbag chair.

• Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken


• Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

• He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.

• Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

• Has more chins than lives.


. What’s the secret of success?

"Takes pain," said the window.

"Keep cool," said the ice.

"Drive hard," said the hammer.

"Be up to date," said the calendar.

"Never be led," said the pencil.

"Be sharp," said the knife.

"Make light around you," said the fire.

"Stick to it," said the glue.

"Be bright," said the lamp.


. It was a "no frills" airline...

... They didn’t sell tickets, they sold chances.

... All the insurance machines in the terminal were sold out.

... Before the flight, the passengers got together and elected a pilot.

... You could not board the plane unless you had the exact change.

... Before we took off, the stewardess told us to fasten our Velcro.

... The Captain asked all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

... The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

... You ask the Captain how often their planes crash. He says, "Just once."

... No movie. Didn’t need one. Your life kept flashing before your eyes.

... You see a man with a gun and he’s demanding to be let off the plane.


. Things you do not want to hear in surgery

• "Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy."

• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

• "Sparky! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

• "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

• "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

• "FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!"

• "Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

• "I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses."

• "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?"

• "Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing my concentration


• "Sterile, shcmeril. The floor’s clean, right?"

• "Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."

• "Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"

• "Psss! Com’on and watch. Uncle Bob is going to scare the surgeon!"


. The Signs You’re Too Stressed

• Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that

you should get some rest.

• You can achieve a "runner’s high" just by sitting up.

• Trees begin chasing you.

• You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

• You and Reality file for a divorce.

• Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

• You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution

of espresso.

• You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of