In the paper...

"Grandmother of eight makes hole in one"

"Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers"

"Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan"

"Milk drinkers are turning to powder"

"Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted"

"Squad helps dog bite victim"

"Enraged cow injures farmer with axe"

"Miners refuse to work after death"

"Two Soviet ships collide - one dies"

"Autos killing 110 a day - let’s resolve to do better"

"Cold wave linked to temperatures"

"Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say"

Classic Classifieds...

• Two female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 weeks old, Perfect markings, 555-

1234. Leave mess.

• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses

in appetizing forms.

• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take

home, too.

• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

• Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the

lovely pool while you drink it all in.

• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically

burns toast.

• Stock up and save. Limit: one.

• Man, honest. Will take anything.

• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

• Three-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

. Confucius say:

...in a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit."

...in a taxidermist’s window: "We really know our stuff."

...on a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

...on a scientist’s door: "Gone fission."

...over a cannibal’s hut: "I never met a man I didn’t like."

...at the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.

However, if you don’t, you will be."

...on restaurant window: "Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come in and get

fed up."

...in a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

...in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria."

In pencil beneath the sign: "Socks can eat anyplace they want."

...on a hardware store: "Today’s special." Below that it says: "So’s tomorrow."