A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.

Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside him. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So, where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard, instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "I will be speaking, debunking some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"

She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."




Who is Jack Schitt?


The Lineage Revealed

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt." Now, you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for fifteen years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct him or her.


...it's the way you tell them, you know.

Silent Jokes

A man got lost in the forest one night when he came across a band of monks.

They invited him to stay the night at their monastery, as it was close by. He agreed, and they travelled there at once.

After dinner (which was excellent) he sat back to watch the entertainment that came on. Much to his surprise, one monk came on and simply shouted: "284," at which the watching audience heartily chuckled.

Bemused, he watched as the monk said: "795" and the crowd erupted in laughter.

"What's going on?" he asked the nearest Brother.

"Oh, we aren't allowed to tell jokes in public because of our order's sacred allowances. So we all learn a huge joke book and the stand up tells us the number of the joke - we remember it and laugh."

Just then the crowd of Monks all cracked up at the number "327".

"This is easy!" says our hero "Let me have a go." The brothers agree, and he takes the stage.

"22" he starts, and the crowd titter.

"974", and the Monks laugh loudly.

"1267" he shouts, and the Monks begin to crack up hysterically, falling on the floor and wetting themselves with laughter. After a few minutes of this the man asks what the problem is:

"Well," replies one giggling Brother "We haven't heard that one before!!"

In the beginning

...when the World began, the Supreme Being created all the creatures on the Earth.

Down in the deep ocean, among the other creatures there were two prawns, Sue and Christian.

Sue was not happy with her lot and wanted to be a bigger creature so she went to see the Supreme Being. "Oh great one, I am not happy! Please could I be remade into something a little bit bigger".

"Yes" said the Supreme Being and Sue then became a shark.

Well, she had a great time being a shark, she enjoyed terrorising all the other creatures in the sea. But as time went by she began to realise that being a shark was not much fun as all the other creatures began to hide when ever they saw her coming.

She then went back to the Supreme Being and begged and grovelled and eventually she was transformed back into a prawn.

Sue went back home to see Christian and knocked on the door.

"Go away" he said "I don't open the door to strangers"

"But it's me", she said "I'm not a stranger, I'm a prawn again, Christian".