• Is there any possibility of passing sterility on to our children?

• If olive oil is made from olives, then what is baby oil made from?

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, then what do humanitarians eat?

• How come every time the government hammers out a budget we’re the ones who get nailed?

• Why is it that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?

• Do you remember when atmospheric contaminants were romantically called stardust?

• When a doctor himself needs doctoring so that another doctor doctors the doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the doctor the way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring of the doctor being doctored doctor as he wants to doctor?

• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

• If buttered toast always lands butter-side down and a cat always lands on his feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?

• What was the best thing before sliced bread?

• What would chairs look like if ours knees bent the other way?

• Is it OK to yell "theatre" in a crowded firehouse?

• They call round pieces of chicken, chicken patties and round pieces of fish, fish patties, so why don't they call round pieces of cow, cow patties?

• Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

• Why is a paper facial tissue so small when you use it for your nose, and so large when it finds its way into the washing machine?

• Why doesn’t a flashlight flash?

• What did people go back to before there were drawing boards?

• Why aren't wrong numbers ever busy?

• When we turn the lights on where does all the dark go?

• Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

• Why is an outdoor theatre called a "drive-in"?

• Why do they call it life insurance?

• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

• What happens if you add water to a condensed book?

• Why do we play at recitals, and recite at a plays?

• Why are wise men and wise guys the exact opposites?

• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

• Do witches run spell checkers?

• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

• Why isn’t there another word for Thesaurus?

• If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?

• Why does the AM dial only go down to 540? What kind of good stuff are we missing on 420?

• If you’re in a car going the speed of light, what would happen if you turned your headlights on?

• Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless oranges?

• If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?

• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

• If cops hang out at donut shops, why don’t bakers hang out at police stations?

• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

• When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

• If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers?

• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

• Can you call someone on the other side of the international date line and get tomorrow’s winning lottery numbers?

• How can there be self-help ‘groups’?

• Is there another word for synonym?

• Why don’t ease, lease, and please sound alike?

• Why isn’t "palindrome" spelled "palindromeemordnilap"?

• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

• If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

• Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

• When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

• If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

• Be nice to your kids; one day they’ll choose your nursing home.

• A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

• Divorce is the past tense of marriage.

• Always look out for #1...but don't step in #2 either.

• If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won’t either.

• All generalizations are false.

• Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

• I used to think I was indecisive--but now I'm not so sure.

• Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

• He who laughs last thinks slowest!

• A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

• If I'm not back in 5 minutes wait longer...

• If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.

• Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

• Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternising with the enemy.

• People today vacation in places you formerly got to only by being drafted or shipwrecked.

• Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

• I have several hobbies I enjoy to the fullest. I have a large sea shell collection I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it?

• A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

• A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

• A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

• A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

• If you have trouble going to sleep at night, lie at the very edge of the bed ... you’ll soon drop off.

• The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

• The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

• The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

• If at first you don’t succeed ... well so much for sky diving.

• Ever notice that the Jolly Green Giant stands around laughing his head off while the little people do all the work canning vegetables!?

• Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

• Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

• Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia.

• The average time between throwing something away and needing it badly is about two weeks.

• The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

• Anarchy is better than no government at all.

• Sometimes I feel like I’m caught between a dog and a fire hydrant.

• My wife is incredibly immature. Tell me if you don't think this is immature - she'll come into the bathroom when I'm in the tub, just barge right in, sink all of my boats...

• I can levitate birds but nobody cares.

• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

• 3/4 of Canadians make up 75% of the population.

• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

• Oil spills give new meaning to the phrase "from sea to shining sea."

• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

• Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're okay, you're it.

• EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip mine the other planets later.

• There ought to be a law against Murphy's Laws

• Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in mall parking lots

• A road map will tell us everything we need to know... Except how to fold it up again.

• Wow! This car sure has starting power! It went from zero to a 50 dollar fine in a matter of seconds!

• It may be your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning.

• It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

• I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

• Nothing is harder on a woman’s clothes than another woman.

• The true length of a minute is determined by which side of the bathroom door you are on.

• Falls don’t kill people. It’s the deceleration trauma.

• Money isn’t everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.

• It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

• This sentence no verb.

• I hate talking cars. A voice out of nowhere says things like, "Your door is ajar."  Why don't they say something really useful, like "There’s a state trooper hiding behind that bush?"

• Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it practically has.

• People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

• My wife claims I’m a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball. I told her she’s way off base.

• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

• I was standing on the windowsill of my sixth floor flat the other day. I thought to myself, "One slip, and its curtains. And if I fall the other way, I’ll be dead."

• When I grow up, I want to be Peter Pan.

• The future isn’t what it used to be.

• I never repeat gossip, so please listen carefully the first time

. Have you ever seen.........