If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up
Answer their questions with questions.
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
Change your accent every three seconds.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Rent a pizza.
Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Eliminate verbs from your speech.
Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
Put them on hold.
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
On the highest floor, hold the doors open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "Ive got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Bring a chair.
Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with a pen while talking to others.
Name your dog "dog."
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener that it was a "real hoot."
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing odd silences with the impression that youll be saying more at any moment.
Pretend your computer mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
Change your name to "John Aaaasmith" for the glory of being first in the phone book. Claim that it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a".
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Construct elaborate crop circles on your front lawn.
Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
After confirming everyones names on the roll, thank the class for attending"Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream, "MY PACEMAKER!"
Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream, "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
Announce, "You'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each students name, rank, and serial number.
Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
Announce that last years students have almost finished their class projects.
Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
16 Fun Things To Do in a
Final That Does Not Matter
(i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up,
say "oh geez, Id better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a
few minutes early and comment how easy the exam was on your way out.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
3. Make paper air planes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left
4. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your
answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "Im SOOO sure you
can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
5. Bring pets.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small
pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas!" If youre really
daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat
this process every fifteen minutes.
8. Write the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
9. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and
10. Do the entire exam in another language. If you dont know one, make one
up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
11. Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.
12. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to stop.
13. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
14. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
15. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you
every few minutes throughout the exam.
16. During the exam, take apart everything around you: desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.
Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!" Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the good ones.
Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie- chairs, books, lamps, etc.)
Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans. If they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies," then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." Walk away laughing hysterically.
Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close, state that there is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.
At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say , "looks like theyre on the move again."
When theyre watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.
Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a different part of their body.
Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.
Rearrange political campaign signs.
Wash a tree.
Clean and polish your belly button.
Scare Stephen King.
Paint your home...day-glo orange.
Boil ice cream.
Knight yourself and some close friends.
Be in the wrong place at the right time.
Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster.
Take your sofa for a walk.
Learn to type 75 WPM...with your toes.
Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.
See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
Write letters to all the political officials that are representing you, and tell them what a good job they are doing...on April 1st.